I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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