the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
