just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
