I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think my vagina is haunted
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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