I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
