nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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