Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
