Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
