Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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