the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
