Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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