I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
