Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Vodka?
Forever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
