Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
