Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
