after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
