If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
