I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
