you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
