i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize