Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
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