my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
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