I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i love accidental penises.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
