Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
