Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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