im holly from the hills drunk
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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