i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
