i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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