note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
