I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
