and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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