I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize