i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
