My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
