i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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