I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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