I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
