So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
