I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
