smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
