Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize