we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
nutella sex= disaster
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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