I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
