i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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