Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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