Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
