Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
