OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my being single is dangerous.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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