Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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