I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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