I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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