We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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