When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
