I wish I could punch you in the face.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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