The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
