I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he thought i was a dude.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
