Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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