Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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