No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
