Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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