My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
