tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
