I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
