it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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