I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
