3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You smell like stripper and shame
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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