Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
